WOW

THIS time she's right.
I am insecure...
I'm reading old blog entries that I've made and WTF man. I'm hella insecure LOL?!?!
"Today, my girlfriend told me I was insecure but I didn't believe her. I went online and was reading old blog entries and she's right. FML."

I'm sorry babe, but this time, you're wrong.

You always were able to make sense or be logical in anything. But this time you're wrong. You say you're unimpressed with the person I turned out to be but honestly, you're all wrong. You've known me for 4 months now. I opened up my heart to you and you fell in love with the real me. I'm not this bad figure which just finally came out from under the bed. I made one mistake. Just one mistake and you assume I'm someone that I'm not all worked up to be? You want to break up with me, okay, fine. As long as you're happy with your decision then do as you please. But please, think about it... I messed up, that was my bad, I know it was. But that doesn't mean everybody in this world is perfect. I can't say there weren't times when I wanted to just rage at you because you pissed me off so much. But you know why I didn't? Because I love you so much I tell myself, "Who cares, I don't love her because of her flaws, I love her because of who she is as a whole." I know you cherish your private time and privacy more then anything, and I fucked up good by going into it. I shouldn't have, and I'll never again if all of this works out. It's not that I didn't trust you. I just did it.
Whether or not all of this turns out well, I'll wait for you. I promised you before and I'll promise you after that I'll wait for you. I promised you that we're gonna be together forever and I'm doing my best to keep that promise. Whether or not you want to is up to you. I'm crazy for you baby. It's not that I can't live without you. It's just I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Could go either way.

This could go either way... I can either be happy for the rest of my life, or incomplete.
It's ok if you don't want to talk to me. I was wrong, I was stupid, I was inconsiderate. But I was honest... Instead of pointing out how bad and how wrong I was, why couldn't you realize for me that I wanted to be honest with you. I wanted to be straight forward with you, I don't ever want to hide anything from you, whether it be good or bad. When people lie, they make up more and more lies to cover up that lie... I don't ever want to have to lie to you, I don't ever want to ever do anything that would hurt you.
Baby, I love you, I need you. I can't say it enough and I don't think I ever will. I'll do what it takes, whatever it takes to be better for you. Seeing your SN and not being able to click it is driving me crazy. I want to talk to you, but I know I'm the last person you want to talk to right now.
I slept well last night, I think tonight is another all-nighter.

Shouldn't have ever doubted you.

After all the shit that's happened today, I'm so glad you're my girlfriend.
I fucked up good.. like.. real good.. but you turned around and gave me another chance.
I wont mess this up, I'll show you I'm better than this and I'll make you proud, just you wait and see.

I love you babe

You stopped wearing my ring.

Everything you say to me.. I take your word for it. I've been strange lately.. and I apologize. Really I do babe, but I guess there's just something in the back of my head that's been bothering me. I don't know what, and I'm trying to figure it out myself. I pray to God every night, hoping that I'd get an answer as to why I've been so miserable lately. I don't sleep at night unless I hear you. I don't eat right unless I know you're happy and well. I haven't cried for anything, much less anyone in a while. But when I think of you... my eyes just start to tear up and I can't help but cry.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm trembling and I feel as if my legs are going to give out on me at any time.

I'm so confused right now. I don't know what to think. I don't know what I want anymore. The Lord's helped me out with my laptop and such but if this is how I'm going to feel for a long time then I don't want it anymore. None of it is worth it and all I want is you. If I have to give up this laptop and give up everything I've earned and saved up for you, then I don't want any of it anymore... all I need is you because lately... all I've felt is that I'm loosing you the past week.

Talk to me, tell me how you feel, tell me what's going on. You ask me all the time if anything's bothering me and all I know is that Highlong's bothering me. You've been spending more time with him and stuff I feel like you're starting to shift to him a bit more. It doesn't matter though... as long as you're happy, then you can go wherever you like. I promised you that I would love you forever, I would stay with you forever, and that I'd wait for you if anything.

I wanna be your man.

It's impossible to turn back time and put things back to the way they were before. I fucked up. There's no hiding that... Even though we talked last night, I still feel as if I'm so close to loosing you. I don't want you loose you babe... I need you. For the past 3 months, I've thought, no, I've known that you're the only one for me. I'm the first one to last this long for you right? You're the only one that's even gotten this close to my heart.
Maybe I'm just overreacting and all of this really is no big deal, and that both of us was just having a bad day.

I love you a lot honey. I was so close to sending you the link to this blog last night, SO close. But I didn't... you never were really into the cheesy and corny stuff so I figured.. maybe another time.

Highlong's no big deal. Sure I might get jealous because you've known him longer, he's acquainted with your parents, and you can talk to him about your problems. It's not that I hate him though. I know him too, and he's a good guy. I trust you and I trust him... but I guess I've been acting so strange lately because I always look at what I want... not at what I have. You love me alot, I know that for a fact... but you just have your own way of showing it.

You've told me a few times already about how easy it is to have a guy fall for you, and then to break his heart. You can keep telling me but I won't be intimidated. You can break my heart 10 times and I'll still love you, and I'll still strive for your love. You promised me we're gonna be together forever... a promise is a promise. I'm gonna keep our love golden. I might've been strange and wierd the past few days but I'll be better for you. I'll give you my best.

Lets take 2 steps back.

Normally, when you love someone... of course you expect to be loved back... with the same amount, if not more, of love. I guess I've been a bit wrong the past 3 months. I love you so much and I know you love me too. It's been my fault. I'm expecting too much from your love. Just because I treat you a certain way doesn't mean I'm going to be treated the same way back.

We're so small, so insignificant compared to the world.

There's so much sand on every beach in the world... so much vastness in the oceans. Sometimes when I'm on the freeway.. I think about how many people there are in the world. That's just one portion of the town, on portion of that strip of the freeway compared to the millions and millions of other highways there are. It makes me feel so insignificant as a person compared to the billions of people there are. It was only fate that I was able to meet you. Out of all the people there are in the world, my love lies with you and only you. Not everyday do you meet someone that completes you, makes you happy, fills you up, ya know?

Baby I wouldn't ever trade the world for you. I doubt there's anyone else in this world that can make me feel so happy as you do. I've been living for 17 years now and you're the best thing that's happened to me. Don't ever leave me k? This might sound selfish but I want you all to myself, because you and me... we're one.

Shit.

You know those, "shit i fucked up good" moments?

yeah, just had one of those.

3 Months.

It's been 3 months babe. I love you, I really do.
I'd climb mountains, swim oceans, run highways just to be with you.
The only thing I wouldn't ever do.. is leave you.

Something isn't right...

I think I'm starting to overreact again. It maybe be a good thing... it may not...
Something just doesn't feel right. You refuse to charge and use your phone. You make me feel like I'm useless. I can't entertain you, I can't make you laugh, it's like you've changed after the cruise... as if I've changed. As days go by, I want to see you.. more and more... but at the same time I'm afraid to ask because I'm afraid its not what you want. I want this.. I want that but I can never find it in myself to ever ask. When you ask for something I don't hesitate to do what you say. And I don't have a problem with that, I love you
-oh, you just blew into the mic.. thanks.. LOL-

anyway, I don't even know why I'm complaining. If I love you so much... there shouldn't be a problem. I shouldn't even need to blog about my problems.. how sad is that? lol

Babe all I need right now, is a sign. Something you can show me that your love for me is still strong. I used to come to you and look towards you for strength to keep me going but lately.. I've turned only to see nothing. I want you in my life. I want to be the one that sits next to you when you first learn how to drive and yell at you while you run a red light. I want to help you move into your apartment when you get out of highschool. I want to ditch a night out with my friends and stay home with you and watch movies all night long until we fall asleep into each other's arms. I want to come over and fix your faucet when it starts leaking for no apparent reason. I want to be the one you call over at 4 in the morning to comfort you because you had a really bad dream. I want to be on one knee, telling you the 4 words that ever girl wishes to hear. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
I'm still young and naive, and who knows what'll happen in 10 years from now. But this is what I want now.

I might feel this sudden... negative feeling about how you're kinda pulling yourself away from me but if something's wrong babe, we'll make this work. We've always have, and we always will.

wtf is wrong with me

Just because something isn't important to you and doesn't mean as much to you doesn't mean it's the same to me. The past few nights, I can't fall asleep. Sometimes I don't fall asleep. It's not even a habit, the truth is I just need you. I'm being freaking selfish right now but I would doze off at night only to snap awake to see you haven't called.
It's stupid because all this is partially my fault. I can't find it in myself to tell you probably because I want you to know... without directly tell you.

You complete me

All my life, before I met you, I never needed to live for anything or anyone. I didn't need to work my butt of for someone to make them happy and to make myself happy. I just.. lived.

But because of you, I have a reason to live now. I went through a week without you.. I thought to myself, I've never been this dependent before, I lived perfectly fine before I met you, and that there's no point getting depressed because I knew you would come back... it's not like I'm LOSING you. Truth is: I believe you complete me. From the "awkward" way you walk when you wear shoes to your mesmerizing smile, every part of you completes me. I won't say you're my other half, because you're not. You're a part of me and I know you'll always be.
I don't say I love you for the sake of saying it, to start a conversation, or merely because it's out of habit. I say it to remind you, to remind me of how important you are and how special you are to me.
I love you babe. You have my heart in your hands, and I know I have yours. I'm going to care for you and love you, we're gonna make this last. I know we will.

Days Without Jessica: 0

Happy 12 Weeks

Norwegian Star boat arrives Seattle at 8:00 AM.
I've been waiting almost a week for this.

Days Without Jessica: 6

About 2-3 more days?

I dunno when you're coming back, but I'm here until you do. Hope you're having fun, I love you.

Days Without Jessica: 5

Wednesays

I usually have piano lesson on wednesdays... funny part is I really really dislike it. I don't know why.. I love playing the piano, but I hate the fact of going to lessons. It's just so bleh and I wanna break someone's jaw lol.

Anyway, went to work all day and just got home. Pretty tired, yet pretty energized. My life's pretty content and complete right now. I'm just missing one thing, and hopefully I'll have her back by the end of the week...

I miss you.

Days Without Jessica: 4

Tired

Work was so tiring today.
Ima try and sleep early? Peace.

Days Without Jessica: 3

Yes!

Finally ordered a laptop.

Days Without Jessica: 2

So much of today reminded me of you.

Today was weird... time after time I would run into things such as a pork bun, which Jessica LOVES to eat, would remind me of her and make me miss her more and more.
I miss her. Nuff said.

Days Without Jessica: 1

It hasn't even been 24 hours yet...

It hasn't even been 24 hours yet and I already miss Jessica like there's no tomorrow.
I guess its a good thing we're getting spread apart because it makes me appreciate and love her so much more...
All day I kinda just moped around and tried to find things to keep me busy, keep me occupied so that I wouldn't always think about her when I was bored.
Only a week left... I can do this.

Days Without Jessica: 0

10 Hours Left

I have 10 hours left with Jessica until she's gone for a whole week...
I miss her already just thinking about the fact that she's going to be gone... Originally I planned on calling her via voicemails but unfortunately I get internationally charged for sending voicemails to her. One email a day, one blog a day, I guess I'll do that (even though she doesn't' even know this blog exists...). Lately my love for her has been growing, more and more. All summer, I've spent everyday with her, whether it be just 30 min or the whole day, I haven't went through a single day without her. I honestly don't know how content and happy I'll stay without seeing her for a whole week...

I hope you have fun though honey. I trust you and I know you'll reject any boy that tries to hit on you (you sexy thing ;D). And I'll do the same, if a girl gives me the eye, I'll give here a kick in the face for trying to even tempt me D:

I love you Jessica.

Days Without Jessica: 0

Good morning ;D

Life's been good.
Picked up my registration packet yesterday and got a few new clothes here and there as well.
So far so good, for now.

I'm edging closer and closer to my laptop. Hopefully I'll have it by the end of the week, but who knows. I think I've been doing everything I can, I haven't done anything bad so all I can do is cross my fingers.

I want to be able to wake the whole week before school off. Get back into a school like circadian rhythm and what not. Summer's been really dull, I WANT school to start already.

It's been a few days.

We reached our 10 week mark yesterday. It feels like a long time... yet at the same time, feels like it was just recently did we get together. I couldn't ask for anyone better.
Funny how at the same day, we get into our first little fight. They say the first one is always the worst one but I don't think it was that bad... hopefully if we ever do get in a fight again, it won't be bad at all.

It's August 8, 2009 and it's 9:34 AM. I don't think I'm going to work this morning. I'll probably work the night shift because Jessica's going to be fishing anyway. Hopefully I'll make the best of this morning and we have some time together, then again, her family's home and her family comes first. She's going on her cruise in about 8 more days. I can barely go through one day without TALKING to her. She's going for a week. I'll survive though, it's not like she's going forever.

This morning was weird though. I called her and it was like she didn't want to talk to me. Maybe it's me overreacting again, but when I feel something's wrong... I know something's wrong.

Long Day

This morning, I woke up with one thing on my mind, seeing Jessica.
After about 2 days of planning out, this is it, I'm going to see her. Even if she didn't want me to.
Sometimes... you forget how truely beautiful the person you loved is. I stared into her face, her eyes for a good few minutes until she got creeped out, and it just reminded me about why I even fell for her, and why I'm still in love for her.
I love you babe, you have your moments where you can randomly get mad at me or where I would get depressed for no reason at all but its all good... I love you for who you are, not who you can be. You probably still are figuring out why I would love a person like you, but it's simply put... you need a reason to love someone? I can't explain myself why I'm so madly in love with you, but all I know is that I have this strong feeling for you, this feeling that I know this will work out, and this feeling that you are the one.

Laptop here I come.

I haven't gotten my score quite yet.. but ima get that laptop. I gotta get it.. i must get it.

Lately I've been sleeping to her and waking up to her. Probably the best thing in the world...

Not recently till I realized I'm gonna be a senior soon. Gonna have to start applying to colleges, getting a license, getting a REAL job. So much to do and so little time to realize what I gotta do. It's not much of a big deal but at the same time... it's one step further away from spending days walking Jessica to class, days of her trying to find different ways of trying to ask me for food without directly asking (which I have no problem with, I'd rather her not starve D:), and days of walking her to the library to be seperated from her for the next 3-4 hours until we see each other online. I'm taking periods 0-5 next year. There goes chances of walking her to the library. But it's ok. I know we'll last. I know there's no such thing as love at this age... but if it isn't love, what other one word definition could it be?

Tired and Sunburnt

Bonfire yesterday with some of the Viet Students was pretty fun...
My back and shoulders are sunburnt though, oh joy.. x.x
I took some good sun pictures and beach pictures though which kind of lightened the somewhat boring people that were there.
Only people I really hanged out with was Andre, Bao, and Hai. Sat at the beach mostly looking out, was very relaxing.

Then I get a text from my dearly beloved. She told me she's going fishing and that she's at Huntington Beach. I try to find out where she is and see her like a madman. She said she was at life house 4 and I was at 7. So I walked all the way to 4, and then some, anticipating the moment that I'd see her. The only thing I thought about during the walk was her and her smile.
When I got there though, she wasn't there... apparently she moved all the way to the docks. I was determined to keep walking, but was it worth it? I love her and I did believe it was worth it but in the end she wanted me to go back, and so I did.

Woke up to my babycakes this morning as always, boy am I blessed to have her <3

Fuck.

Sometimes I feel as if you're not putting as much into this relationship as much as I am. I believe you when you say "I love you" but sometimes I feel as if they're just blank words.
I don't even know why I'm posting this here, I should talk to you about it but what the heck, I've yet to link this page to anyone so fuck it.

You say "I love you" but sometimes I feel as if you say that to make me happy. When you say you love me, please... prove it to me. You don't believe in being dependent so sometimes you tend to not care about anything that happens. Give me some security babe, reassure me.
I ask you sometimes about your problems when you have any and you give me the same answer everytime. "Don't worry about it."
I love you, don't tell me not to worry about it. It makes me feel like shit when you say that, makes me feel useless.

I trust you, remember that. I'm being hella pessimistic right now and I'm probably gonna laugh at this when I read over it...

Happy 2 Months

Happy two months hun. I'm glad you loved the gift x]
I guess we've had our ups and downs, more ups then downs really, but I'm not going to complain. I'm going to cherish every moment that I have with you, whether or not I'm with you physically or not. My parents really are overreacting lol. They're saying things like how I should focus on school and that I'm too young to be dating. Doesn't matter though, I care about her, I love her... and because I love her, I know she won't get in the way of my studies, she'll be the reason I study hard and become successful.

Lately I've been really worried about you babe... I don't know why and I kind of don't want to know but I just have this feeling that something's wrong. I may be overreacting but I have this feeling in my heart that there's something wrong with you. There's no problem with our relationship, I have a strong faith that we're doing good. It's something in your life... like there's something bothering you that you just don't want to tell me. It's like you're hiding something from me... when I try to video chat, you reject it. Aside from seeing you in person today, you're starting to scare me.
Like I said.. I may be overreacting but heck, that's what happens when you love someone.

I get this warm tingly feeling when I'm around you. Almost an addicting feeling that every time I walk away from you, I just want to turn back, hold you in my arms, and never let go.

Anticipation

Tomorrow is our two months.
It's been an believable two months babe. I'm proud of you and myself. Who ever thought I'd be able to find a girlfriend like you... thank you.

I got you something good. I hope you like it.. I felt like a COMPLETE NOOB picking it out. You're the only person I've felt this way to. Make it last forever and I can promise that I'll always be here to care for you, support you, and love you.

Next time she asks you, tell her its her, she's the one.

Work today was good. I was a bit sluggish but once customer's started coming in, it was serious business. Stupid Ronnie decided to have a little "fun" today. He took my phone and was being stupid with Jessica. Gonna make sure I get him back good. Real good.
I got a good talk with Micheal though. Didn't expect him to be so... advising? in regards to relationships. I do what I do cause I love her, she does what she does because she loves me. Sometimes it looks like I'm being held by the balls and it like I'm whipped but I don't care. I love her.

We're almost hitting our two months.
To be honest, ever since I started being friends with her, I've felt that I'd be able to establish a relationship with her, a good one. Kind of cocky of me but I KNEW that there was something special between us and that this could work.

All my life I've always seen myself as a loser (according to her, I still am x]) and that I'd never be capable of getting a girlfriend. Heck my first ex-girlfriend only went out of me out of pity. Ask her if she even liked me... she'd laugh. Babe, ever since I've been with you, you can say I've changed. I've become more confident in myself, more confident about how I look and who I am. I would NEVER smile in pictures before I met you... So when I say you bring a smile to my face, I mean it.

Baby you got my heart beating.

As days pass, I don't feel as if I'm missing her, I feel as if I'm being more and more completed. Sometimes you ask me if there's anything that irritates me about you or something about you that bothers me but honestly... I don't think there's anything about you that bothers me. I love you for who you are and its those little things that make me love you more.
Nobody in this world is perfect, but in my world, you are perfect.
I do truly believe that what I feel for you, is love.
Tell me to jump off a cliff, and I'll do it.

Tell me to stop loving you, and I'd have to disappoint you.

I'll be here for you, I promise.

Today was interesting. There were sad parts, fun parts, and weird parts...
My morning started out kind of in disappear. I guess it's just crazy how everything could be going so well one minute, and in a second, flip 180 degrees.

Work was lame... my whole arm and my abs were sore from lessons from Ronnie. Jessica doesn't like him... neither does she like the fact I'm taking lessons from him at all but its all good. I'm learning to be able to protect myself, protect my family, and protect her. (not that she needs it, as of right now, she can probably beat ME up...)

When she called me... it was the WEIRDEST thing ever. My appreciation level for her just went from a kajillion, to a kajillion times 10.
Then it went from weird... to being just scary... She started crying. I don't know why and I don't know if I'll ever know. But I'll say this. Jessica Le, you're the only person to have gotten me to feel this way... we have our bad and good times but what doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger right? I love you babe... I really do. It's really hard to show to you since I'm only limited to when I can see you and you can't go out at all. But because I love you, I'll make this work, I'll show you that my love for you is true and that I'll always be here for you.

Same morning... oh joy...

I called you last night.
Apparently you didn't pick up... but it's all good. Whether you be talking to a friend on the phone or you just didn't want to pick up, I don't mind it. I'm breaking down on the inside babe. I used to be able to wake up in the morning and anticipate a call from you, or sleep soundly at night, only to be woken up by your sweet, angelic voice.
I need some closure, I need to know if you feel the same way about me. Sometimes you ask me if I'm mad because I don't love you but the real question is, do you love me? I've done all I can to prove how much I love you, if not more.

It scares me, the fact that you don't even sleep at night. You sleep during the day. I hate that more then anything because you're sleeping when I need you the most, and I'm sleeping when you need someone to talk to. But that's your life, I'm just a boyfriend. Not like I have any power over you to change who you are and what you do.

7 Weeks

It's been 7 weeks. The best 7 weeks of my life... normal people count by the months, but you're something else, you're something special; we count by the weeks.

Today you were a bit awkward... you were away since probably 4 AM and you didn't pick up my call. When you called me back... you were acting wierd. You said how you didn't rendezvous anywhere, whether or not I'd ever run away with you if you did something bad, and if I'd ever suspect you.

Babe I love you. I pour my heart and soul out for you and I don't regret anything I've done for you. I trust you with all I got and I have faith that you can be different, that you can change. I'm different from all the other guys, I know that for a fact.

I don't know what's going to happen in 5 years, 10 years, but right now, all I know is that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, take care of you, and be there for you.

Sometimes I think I worry too much, even over the smallest things, so babe, if anything ever bothers you or you have something troublesome on your mind... I'm here for you, always was, always will be.

So I stopped by your house today. I should've called you and asked you to come out, climbed the side fence and climb into your window, or rang the doorbell, hoping that you would come out. I didn't though. I guess it was just a sudden burst of missing you that got me to 2.1 miles out of my way just to get a chance to see you. I knew you were sleeping, I knew your mom wasn't home... I just couldn't wake you up to see me, and that's what killed me inside. Knowing that you were only about 10-20 feet away from me. Physically, not spiritually.

They call her beautiful
Beautiful face, beautiful underneath...
She's unexplainable, nothing describes how she appears to me.

Some Wieght Has Been Lifted.

It's safe to say I've got some things done.
Been working on the restaurant menu lately and I just finished my piano auditions.
Hopefully I did well, my parents offered to pay for the rest of my laptop if I did well and I'm hoping with all my heart and soul I did well.

I'm really really tired of working. I've been at it for about 7 months now and I'm ready to break someone's jaw.

The Thing In This World That Hurts The Most...

Nothing hurts more then the feeling I had last night. Any pain emotionally or physically was nothing compared to last night.
I felt so useless, all I did was sit there... Nothing hurts more then hearing the person you love the most break down. I wanted to do something, I wanted to comfort her, make her laugh, but I just couldn't; at the same time, I wanted to let her cry, let her release all those feelings that she's kept bottled up inside.
I promise you Jessica, I won't ever let anything bad happen to you again. I'll take care of you, and I'll protect you.
When I heard you cry, it was like a sharp stabbing to my heart, but I couldn't tell you to stop... I just couldn't. I don't know how many times you've cried like this at night, or how often you cry like this. But babe, I'm here for you, and I'll give you a happiness that will be worth a thousand times the number of tears you've shed. Believe in me.

I have no idea what to do right now.
You're only a click away, a phone call away.
You asked me not to talk to you, and so I'm going to respect that and give you the space you need. I just want you to know... it hurts to see your sn, to click on it and only look at it. I want to send you a message, but I can't. Understand how hard it is for me, cause baby I'm breaking down.

Baybee's got me worried.

She hasn't been on all day. She hasn't called me at all. I called her to check up on her but she didn't pick up. I hope everything's alright.
At first I thought she was sleeping in, cause I doubt she went to sleep last night, turns out I have no idea where she is or what she's doing. Hopefully her parents took her somewhere all of today and she's alright.

Honey... I love you. I pray for you every night so that you're safe and well.

Happy 6 Weeks

It's 11:34 PM and I KNOW nobody's going to read this. Whatever, better then hitting some random person up and telling them about my life no?

Happy six weeks babe. I'm really proud of you... and of myself. Rarely do you last this long and you're my second girlfriend. Promise me you'll make this last forever.

Boring day today.

Seems as though I'm posting nearly everyday.. I should really cut down, then I'd have more to talk about.

I guess all I ever really want to talk about, is Jessica. If you're not Jessica and you've been reading this whole blog, I must apologize. You've wasted a good 20-30 min or so? Anywho...
I feel as if I'm growing closer and closer to you. I don't miss you as if I want to really see you though. I think about you A LOT. I really love you hun, make it last.

This is good, I can tell.

I'm starting to get REALLY tired of work. I don't wanna do it anymore, but who else is going to help my parents? @-@ Plus it's just getting more money towards my laptop so meh, I hate it but I gotta do it.

My parents know about her. I'm sure of it. They're more and more suspicious when I'm on AIM and even more suspicious when I'm on the phone, even when I'm obviously talking to a guy. I'll break the news to them soon, they deserve to hear it from my mouth.

Don't leave me, ever.

Relief

Now that that's over, I'm glad we're still together. You asked for a break and I gave it to you... but 2 hours without you, before you called, was already painful. I had no idea how I would go for 1 week, 2 weeks, 3 weeks?
Within those 2 hours, I thought about everything. I thought about everything you told me, I thought about everything you've ever written to me, every moment you spent with me, I even thought about the cute innocent way you would look at me.

Babe, don't ever scare me like that again. I want you in my life, for all the good times and all the bad times.
This "break" didn't push us away at all, I believe it pulled us closer. I love you.

Jessica Le - May 29, 2009

"pretty things aren't always beautiful. but it doesn't mean they were trying to be pretty with all their might."

I guess she got me there when she said it... I don't know what else to say. I love her with all my heart but I have to let her go, I have to give her some space. We're not giving up though... she's just need space, and I'm going to respect that.

I promised you, I'll wait for you, and so I will. But if you loved me, why would you leave me for someone who has the potential to hurt you?

It sounds selfish, but if you loved me, why go on a break? I didn't cheat on you, I guess I was always eager to hear your voice, see your face, even just for a glimpse, whether it be on AIM or in person.

This is going to be hard for me, I have no idea when I'll be able to talk to you again and I have no idea if you would even accept me back into your life again. But I pray, and I'm hopeful.
Whenever you say "I love you." I feel as if I've caught Mewtwo with a Great ball. I feel so lucky because someone so special, so unique, so perfect loves me.

If I failed you this time around, give me a chance to be better, and I hope you know I try and I always try to be better for you. I shouldn't be so cocky and selfish, but I really do hope you come back to me... I miss you already and I know I'm bad at showing it to you.
It's going to be a painful break but I'll be strong, because I have faith in you.
I'm here waiting for you babe, I love you.

Really Nice Weather Today

Today's weather was REALLY nice o.o
Wasn't too hot and the breeze was really soothing, if all of summer was like this, that'd be awesome @-@. I've been really tired lately though. I mean.. I sleep at like 12 or 1 and I wake up at about 7 or 8. But throughout the day I feel REALLY tired, like I could just knock out at anytime.

I feel really blessed to have such a great friend... I haven't talked to her for a long time... 7 months or so? Aside from the occasional myspace comments you can say I missed having her company. Even after all of that, she still picks me up off my feet with nothing but honest advice. She's like a sister that I never had. I feel bad that you have a terrible friend like me... You've helped me tremendously but I've done nothing to be there for you. I'm sorry, and I'll do better, you deserve a better friend and I'll do my best, I promise.

And to you, I hope what I'm feeling is true. You've tied this knot around my heart, don't go cutting me down. I can't offer you what other guys have offered you or will ever offer you, but I know I can love you just as much, if not BETTER then any guy you have or will ever meet.
When you say "I love you." I take your word for it and care for you more then ever. When you say "I hate you." I take it as constructive criticism so that I can be better for you, so that I can fix my mistakes and be sure you're always happy.

I Feel Wierd..

You know that feeling when you really want to say something to someone or do something, but you're too afraid? I really miss her right now, and it's hard to explain how I feel about her. I think to myself... I can be better then all the other guys that failed to give her the happiness she deserves, I can give her a good reason and a good meaning to the words, "I love you.", and that I can actually make this work the way I want it.
I have hope and I have faith.
I want to tell her that I'll always be here for her and that I'll be with her forever, but I don't want to make a promise that she's heard hundreds of times over and over, only to be broken.

I don't blog.

Normally I don't blog. I'm not a good writer either. I'm not even trying to fit in with the crowd of people that have started blogging.
I guess I just want to express how I feel and tell people how I feel without actually telling them face to face, weird but meh, I guess we've all been there.

I wish I didn't have to work so hard. It's summer after all, why aren't I enjoying the beach or hanging out with friends... Why am I stuck working? Nobody's to blame I guess and I'm really working towards this laptop. Never have I been so motivated to get anything... it's kind of sad really given the fact that I'm not getting paid (working for parents, which is all good because I'd rather help them keep this family alive financially then stay home anyway) and I come home only to add a couple of more bucks to my savings. In the end it will be worth it, I know it will.

Sometimes you make me want to break all the keys on my piano.
Sometimes you make me want to slash my wrists out of pointless depression.
Sometimes you make me feel worthless and a waste of time.
Which is all overcome by the fact that
You light up my world,
You understand the type of person I am.
You allowed me to break down the walls around my heart that were made to keep these types of feelings out.
You're the one who makes me cry.
You're the one who makes me sad.
You're the one who makes me mad.
You're the one who makes me laugh.
You're the one who makes me strong.
You're the one who gives me hope.
You're the one who makes me, me.