Day 7

Something funny happened today. I was at the bank to deposit my check and I noticed a cute bank teller behind the counter. I told myself, if God puts me behind that girl's counter, than I'll move on. I'll know that Jessica isn't the one for me and that I'll follow His will. When it became my turn to wait for the next teller, that girl was finishing up, until someone on the other side called me to be helped. I never got to that girl, so I thought to myself, is this really God's will? Should I leave my heart open for Jessica to come in again? I didn't know what to do, and I haven't known what to do since.

After days full of emotions, depression, insomnia, I finally had a chance to see Jessica today. With or without me, it made my day to just see her happy. I guess I need to realize that she's even happier without me. I gave Jessica her gift and I decided there's no looking back after that. Whatever happens, happens. I did all I can without directly showing her that I care about her a lot, and that I'll always love her, as much if not more than any other guy ever will.

Hanging out with her for almost an hour, I realized how much I really miss her. The way she laughed and teased me brought back memories of when I would tell her lame jokes to make her day, or how I would make fun of myself to make her laugh. When I grabbed her hand to show her how to use my phone, my heart dropped because I haven't touched her hands in such a long time. My friends tried to put on a show to prove that I moved on, but who am I really kidding? I can't do this. I love her too much. To see the smile on her face when I gave her the shoes was another thing. Whether or not she liked them, I don't know. All I know is that she was grateful and happy.

Her mom asked me afterwords if I wanted to tag along with her family to Las Vegas. I have to admit, I really wanted to say yes, but I told her I'll let her know what my decision is in a few days. I figured this would've been the best opportunity to reconnect with Jessica, but at the same time. She doesn't want me there. She's already gotten rid of me, and me trying to push myself back into her life just isn't fair for her. I need to let her go at her own pace and make her own decisions. Love is sacrifice. And because I love her, whatever she wants, things will go her way.

In a way, I feel a little better. She apologized.. for everything. But I just didn't feel that apology. I told her don't say sorry, and I was going to tell her that saying sorry means you'll never let it happen again, but I didn't feel the need to. Why? Because who says there will ever be an "again." I sit here and wonder everyday, "Does she still love me?", "Does she still have feelings for me?", "Does she even care about me?" I wish I had a way of knowing, but there is no way.

Maybe she really has moved on. She did tell me that I should get going and said I should leave. Once again, I'm lost. I'm glad I have friends all around me to help me through these hard times, but when it comes to stuff like this, there's nothing anybody can do for me. Answer my prayers, Lord. I need Your help. More than ever.