2011

No more blogging about how depressed I am or blogging about how life should turn out.

I should be living in the NOW and focusing on what I need for myself. Jessica made me who I am today and I'm going to cherish the memories I've had with her, but if she's truly moved on, I need to too. It's a New Year with new beginnings and hopefully this year will be even better than the last.

Resolutions:
-Become more inspired in photography.
-Don't date around, if I do date, make sure its someone that'll love me and respect me as much as they love and respect themselves.
-Drive safely.
-Find myself.

Always be my baby.

You'll always be a part of me.
I'm part of you, indefinitely.
Time can't erase a feeling this strong.

If you're determined to leave, then I wont stand in your way.

Sometimes I look at the jacket you gave me and I think to myself. Why do I still keep it? It'll always remind me of you and so why torture myself? Eventually I come to the conclusion that this will be the closest way you'll be to my heart. That you're the one keeping me warm.

Day 14

I had a dream about you again. Someone asked you that if you loved me, why don't you come back to me? You didn't know yourself and then avoided the question..

I miss you so much. It doesn't hurt anymore, but I just miss you and wish that you came back to me. I wish you were really serious when you said we'll have a chance in the future. It's bad to get my hopes up but everyday I hope that I'll have that chance, and that, that chance comes closer everyday.

I'll be talking to friends and then something reminds me of you and I tell them a story about something we did together. It makes me realize how happy we were, and even in the worst times we always pulled through, but what happened this time...?

Just tell me that you still love me.. and I'll wait an eternity for you.

Day 13

It's been nearly two weeks since all of this went down and I'm feeling a little better. I'm not as depressed or saddened by all of this but I still miss and love her more than anything.

I went out to shoot a video for the DP's and that was fun. Got a lot off my mind and they were all extremely nice. Walking through Garden Walk though, I started to miss Jessica. I did a photoshoot for a couple there and I imagined taking her there one day and letting her have a spree.

The littlest things in life remind me of her. Monica IM'ed me and told me that she has strong feelings for me. But I had to deny her, I'm not ready to date again. Not unless I'll be dating Jessica. It sounds ignorant and stupid but I do think there's more out there. I just don't think there will be anyone like you.

Day 11 and Day 12

I've just been caught up in all this mess that I haven't had the chance to keep up with my blogs.

Maybe she's right about us being together in the future, but I can't sit around and wait for that day to come, it hurts just too much.
She's happy now, that's all that matters. Maybe someday I'll find someone that'll make me happy, maybe not. All I know is that I can't just sit around anymore, there are bigger and better things out there and maybe Jessica is a part of all of that, maybe not. We'll just have to wait and see.

I blocked her from facebook, aim, you name it.
I figured its best for the both of us, if anything it's the best for me. I'll unblock her, but not now. It hurts too much to see everything that's going on that sometimes I think it's best to run away from everything.

I love you, Jessica. I always will.

Day 10

You're all I want, you're all I need, you're everything.

I want to take you to prom and this time, pay for the perfect dress and perfect corsage for you. I want to sit in the bleachers and watch you graduate high school. I want to visit you at school or work and bring you a gift basket full of food to keep you going. I can give you everything you'll ever ask for.

But am I the one you want?

You're right.

Everyone deserves a heart break. It's only good for growing up but I never thought you'd be the one to break mine.

Day 9

Life's full of surprises, you never know what's going to happen and when it does, you can't help but wish that you can go back in time.

Jessica might have feelings for me somewhere, but s he cares about Sean a lot more. I need to realize all of this and move on. I can't just sit here looking a bitch not knowing what to do. There's a path in front of me, why am I so hesitant to take it?

People say that I deserve better, and that I can find such a better girl. They also point out how she's treating me like utter shit and that I need to move on ASAP.
I love her, I can't just "move on." I fell in love with her for a reason, all these "flaws" people point out are just perks as to why I love her more and more.

Day 8

It's good to know she loves the boots I got her.

So I noticed tonight that she deleted me on facebook. How am I supposed to react to this? Does this mean she still cares? Or she REALLY has moved on? I'm so confused right now that I don't think I can even sleep. In my mind, I'm thinking she wants me to ask her why she deleted me, that way she knows that I check up on her page.

Doesn't matter. I still love her. I still miss her. It's a battle everyday to survive and not get a heart ache. i miss you so much Jessica... you moved on so quickly, how did you do it...

Dammit.

Since when do people start texting / calling at 2 AM in the morning?

I jump when I receive a text, phone call, or notification or anything because I think it's you. I'm such a mess right now I can kill myself.

Day 7

Something funny happened today. I was at the bank to deposit my check and I noticed a cute bank teller behind the counter. I told myself, if God puts me behind that girl's counter, than I'll move on. I'll know that Jessica isn't the one for me and that I'll follow His will. When it became my turn to wait for the next teller, that girl was finishing up, until someone on the other side called me to be helped. I never got to that girl, so I thought to myself, is this really God's will? Should I leave my heart open for Jessica to come in again? I didn't know what to do, and I haven't known what to do since.

After days full of emotions, depression, insomnia, I finally had a chance to see Jessica today. With or without me, it made my day to just see her happy. I guess I need to realize that she's even happier without me. I gave Jessica her gift and I decided there's no looking back after that. Whatever happens, happens. I did all I can without directly showing her that I care about her a lot, and that I'll always love her, as much if not more than any other guy ever will.

Hanging out with her for almost an hour, I realized how much I really miss her. The way she laughed and teased me brought back memories of when I would tell her lame jokes to make her day, or how I would make fun of myself to make her laugh. When I grabbed her hand to show her how to use my phone, my heart dropped because I haven't touched her hands in such a long time. My friends tried to put on a show to prove that I moved on, but who am I really kidding? I can't do this. I love her too much. To see the smile on her face when I gave her the shoes was another thing. Whether or not she liked them, I don't know. All I know is that she was grateful and happy.

Her mom asked me afterwords if I wanted to tag along with her family to Las Vegas. I have to admit, I really wanted to say yes, but I told her I'll let her know what my decision is in a few days. I figured this would've been the best opportunity to reconnect with Jessica, but at the same time. She doesn't want me there. She's already gotten rid of me, and me trying to push myself back into her life just isn't fair for her. I need to let her go at her own pace and make her own decisions. Love is sacrifice. And because I love her, whatever she wants, things will go her way.

In a way, I feel a little better. She apologized.. for everything. But I just didn't feel that apology. I told her don't say sorry, and I was going to tell her that saying sorry means you'll never let it happen again, but I didn't feel the need to. Why? Because who says there will ever be an "again." I sit here and wonder everyday, "Does she still love me?", "Does she still have feelings for me?", "Does she even care about me?" I wish I had a way of knowing, but there is no way.

Maybe she really has moved on. She did tell me that I should get going and said I should leave. Once again, I'm lost. I'm glad I have friends all around me to help me through these hard times, but when it comes to stuff like this, there's nothing anybody can do for me. Answer my prayers, Lord. I need Your help. More than ever.

Day 6

To know they're having the time of their lives together, but I'm glad she's happy and having fun. I just wish it was with me.
What do I do? I thought I told myself I'll move on. I put away anything that reminded me of her, but I just can't get over the fact that I still fucking miss her. I miss having someone to fall asleep on the phone with, to randomly wake me up because of sleep talks. I miss getting early morning calls and just hearing your soft, sleepy voice say, "I love you." I miss waiting for you at school and wondering what dress you wore to school that day. I miss being called your princess. I miss the way you kindly and softly ask for something in fears that I'll say no. I miss taking you to buy soda pops on Main Street. I miss just simply having someone I can depend on to support me in everything I do.
To know that you're doing all of this with someone else only hurts more.
Every time I receive a text, a call, an email, a notificaiton, an IM, or even a message, I think it's you. I become hopeful that it's you wanting to start over but I'm only let down. It's just a stupid fantasy I play in my head that I need to grow out of.
I'm lost, what do I do?

Realization

I've had this feeling before, and I've always been faithful and patient. Except this time, there is no second chance.

Day 5

Thay took me out tonight to help me get my mind straight and off of things. We talked for a good 3 hours about anything and everything. About Jessica, my accident, and just random things in the past. I can't say I don't miss her, but I do feel better.

Day 4

Only a few minutes after my previous post, but I didn't have time to make my day 3 post.. so I went past 12:00 AM.
I was under this impression that there was still this little piece of hope and that I may have a chance. Everybody's telling me that I should move on and that I should just find someone else. Right now, I can't find anyone else.
Jessica said to me: "we'll have a chance in the future, but not now"
Do I take her word for it? Do I stay hopeful that I will have a chance?

Day 3

Got owned by a car accident.
My whole body is in pain and it hurts to do anything. It even hurts to eat, and I don't eat because I'm hungry, I eat so I don't die from malnutrition.
I was on my way to picking up boots that I ordered a while back for Jessica for christmas and I guess I had so much on my mind I wasn't paying attention to the road. That and it was raining.

Lot's of people say it's a bad idea to give her the shoes if I ever want to get in a relationship with her again. I came to realize, it might be true, but I have to do it. Jessica loves her boots and she's always asked me for boots. Even though we're not together anymore, I promised I'd get her boots. So regardless if she accepts them or not, I'd feel better knowing that at least I was able to keep one of the few promises I made.

Moving on won't be easy, I constantly miss her and it hurts to know that she and him are having the time of their lives. But I'll be okay... yeah. I'll be just fine.

Day 2

It'll get better, I know it will. I can only mope around for so long and I've got great friends that support me.
Loving someone means doing all you can to make sure they're happy. If she's happy with where she is, then I'm content. I can find my own happiness elsewhere, and if fate brings us back together, then we'll see from there. But for now, I can only hope for the best for her.

Jessica Le, I love you.

Day 1

I never thought it'd get back to blogging.
I always thought I'd be happy for the rest of my life but turns out things don't always go as planned.

Jessica's with her old boyfriend now and I'm stuck here, alone. I imagined being single would feel better than this, but what can I say, it's what she wanted.

She's over me and that's that. As much as I love her, I'm lost. I don't know how to get her back and I need guidance.

Praying for the Day I'm With you Again

And I thought in this relationship, you were always the one to not leave any loose ends and to make sure things go correctly. When we talked about a week or two ago, I thought you wanted this to work out. Why the sudden change in feelings? I feel cheated because you didn’t even give an opportunity for us to talk about it.

“Being single is so much easier and worry free?” Did I make the relationship difficult for you? Did I put a burden on your shoulders? I put you on a pedestal and whatever you wanted; I’d get that for you. “You’re busy” busy with what? All you do when you get home is listen to music and talk to people about it. Sure you love music, but at a certain point, didn’t you love me?

I was wrong a few weeks ago. I was the one that wanted to leave you but over time, I realized that we’ve been together for almost 2 years. Things are going to work out because I love you and if you felt the same, then nothing would’ve stopped us. I don’t know what happened midway but everything started falling apart. You became busy and so we hardly had time to communicate.

All this time, I’ve left my heart open for you. My life was school, and work. Aside from hanging out with the boys on weekends, you always came up at least once. I didn’t talk to any girls, hit on them, or even made myself noticeable to them. Whenever someone asked how we are, all I said was either you were busy or that we’re fine. Not talking a lot, but fine. But, here I was waiting for you and waiting for something to happen because I thought you wanted time to figure things out and that you were busy. Turns out I’m standing here looking like an idiot while you just move on with your life.

After waking up from my dream about you, I took out all the notes you ever gave me and read them. I read the notebook and looked through all of our pictures and I know that I have to apologize to you. I’m sorry that I didn’t pay much attention to you as much as I should have. Last summer when you cried all night and all I could do was listen and feel stupid because I couldn’t do anything, I promised myself that I’ll take care of you, and that I’ll always be here for you. I’m sorry that I don’t make time to see you more at school and get you breakfast. Because I know you like things like that. I’m sorry that I didn’t take physics so that I can help tutor you when you need it. I’m sorry I never followed up with listening to your type of music so we have more things to talk about together. I’m sorry that I can be annoying at times, because I get so worked up talking about something and that sometimes I even interrupt you. I’m sorry for taking you for granted. We only worked out so well because you were always the stronger one and you kept everything in check. I was wrong in wanting things to go my way and, in a sense, overthrowing you of your power. The Jessica I fell in love with was the one that would always tell me what to do, not the one that was being told what to do.

Who am I kidding though right? I can’t ask for you back and I can’t change your decision if it’s already set. I just figured I’d tell you what’s on my mind if it mattered at all.