And I thought I was okay until the past few days.
I was at Seafood Cove with the Viet class and we ordered lobster and crab. I was instantly reminded of when Jessica and I went to her uncle's wedding. How I wasn't able to break open the lobster and Jessica sat there and opened up lobster legs for me and just put the lobster meat on my plate. I asked her why she did that and she said, "I like doing things for you, :)" that moment was so heartfelt and I've never felt like a real boyfriend to her until then.

I took a day off to myself at the block. I treated myself to two movies and lunch haha. Walking around it reminded me of when I went on a date with Jessica and Jennifer for her birthday. I remember going to Sweets from Heaven to buy candy for the movie and I remember the exact room and seat we sat in for watching Alice in Wonderland.

I was constantly reminded of her and I started to miss her more and more. I come to realize that she isn't coming back. That this is life and I have to accept it.

2011

No more blogging about how depressed I am or blogging about how life should turn out.

I should be living in the NOW and focusing on what I need for myself. Jessica made me who I am today and I'm going to cherish the memories I've had with her, but if she's truly moved on, I need to too. It's a New Year with new beginnings and hopefully this year will be even better than the last.

Resolutions:
-Become more inspired in photography.
-Don't date around, if I do date, make sure its someone that'll love me and respect me as much as they love and respect themselves.
-Drive safely.
-Find myself.

Always be my baby.

You'll always be a part of me.
I'm part of you, indefinitely.
Time can't erase a feeling this strong.

If you're determined to leave, then I wont stand in your way.

Sometimes I look at the jacket you gave me and I think to myself. Why do I still keep it? It'll always remind me of you and so why torture myself? Eventually I come to the conclusion that this will be the closest way you'll be to my heart. That you're the one keeping me warm.

Day 14

I had a dream about you again. Someone asked you that if you loved me, why don't you come back to me? You didn't know yourself and then avoided the question..

I miss you so much. It doesn't hurt anymore, but I just miss you and wish that you came back to me. I wish you were really serious when you said we'll have a chance in the future. It's bad to get my hopes up but everyday I hope that I'll have that chance, and that, that chance comes closer everyday.

I'll be talking to friends and then something reminds me of you and I tell them a story about something we did together. It makes me realize how happy we were, and even in the worst times we always pulled through, but what happened this time...?

Just tell me that you still love me.. and I'll wait an eternity for you.

Day 13

It's been nearly two weeks since all of this went down and I'm feeling a little better. I'm not as depressed or saddened by all of this but I still miss and love her more than anything.

I went out to shoot a video for the DP's and that was fun. Got a lot off my mind and they were all extremely nice. Walking through Garden Walk though, I started to miss Jessica. I did a photoshoot for a couple there and I imagined taking her there one day and letting her have a spree.

The littlest things in life remind me of her. Monica IM'ed me and told me that she has strong feelings for me. But I had to deny her, I'm not ready to date again. Not unless I'll be dating Jessica. It sounds ignorant and stupid but I do think there's more out there. I just don't think there will be anyone like you.

Day 11 and Day 12

I've just been caught up in all this mess that I haven't had the chance to keep up with my blogs.

Maybe she's right about us being together in the future, but I can't sit around and wait for that day to come, it hurts just too much.
She's happy now, that's all that matters. Maybe someday I'll find someone that'll make me happy, maybe not. All I know is that I can't just sit around anymore, there are bigger and better things out there and maybe Jessica is a part of all of that, maybe not. We'll just have to wait and see.

I blocked her from facebook, aim, you name it.
I figured its best for the both of us, if anything it's the best for me. I'll unblock her, but not now. It hurts too much to see everything that's going on that sometimes I think it's best to run away from everything.

I love you, Jessica. I always will.

Day 10

You're all I want, you're all I need, you're everything.

I want to take you to prom and this time, pay for the perfect dress and perfect corsage for you. I want to sit in the bleachers and watch you graduate high school. I want to visit you at school or work and bring you a gift basket full of food to keep you going. I can give you everything you'll ever ask for.

But am I the one you want?