Fuck.

Sometimes I feel as if you're not putting as much into this relationship as much as I am. I believe you when you say "I love you" but sometimes I feel as if they're just blank words.
I don't even know why I'm posting this here, I should talk to you about it but what the heck, I've yet to link this page to anyone so fuck it.

You say "I love you" but sometimes I feel as if you say that to make me happy. When you say you love me, please... prove it to me. You don't believe in being dependent so sometimes you tend to not care about anything that happens. Give me some security babe, reassure me.
I ask you sometimes about your problems when you have any and you give me the same answer everytime. "Don't worry about it."
I love you, don't tell me not to worry about it. It makes me feel like shit when you say that, makes me feel useless.

I trust you, remember that. I'm being hella pessimistic right now and I'm probably gonna laugh at this when I read over it...

Happy 2 Months

Happy two months hun. I'm glad you loved the gift x]
I guess we've had our ups and downs, more ups then downs really, but I'm not going to complain. I'm going to cherish every moment that I have with you, whether or not I'm with you physically or not. My parents really are overreacting lol. They're saying things like how I should focus on school and that I'm too young to be dating. Doesn't matter though, I care about her, I love her... and because I love her, I know she won't get in the way of my studies, she'll be the reason I study hard and become successful.

Lately I've been really worried about you babe... I don't know why and I kind of don't want to know but I just have this feeling that something's wrong. I may be overreacting but I have this feeling in my heart that there's something wrong with you. There's no problem with our relationship, I have a strong faith that we're doing good. It's something in your life... like there's something bothering you that you just don't want to tell me. It's like you're hiding something from me... when I try to video chat, you reject it. Aside from seeing you in person today, you're starting to scare me.
Like I said.. I may be overreacting but heck, that's what happens when you love someone.

I get this warm tingly feeling when I'm around you. Almost an addicting feeling that every time I walk away from you, I just want to turn back, hold you in my arms, and never let go.

Anticipation

Tomorrow is our two months.
It's been an believable two months babe. I'm proud of you and myself. Who ever thought I'd be able to find a girlfriend like you... thank you.

I got you something good. I hope you like it.. I felt like a COMPLETE NOOB picking it out. You're the only person I've felt this way to. Make it last forever and I can promise that I'll always be here to care for you, support you, and love you.

Next time she asks you, tell her its her, she's the one.

Work today was good. I was a bit sluggish but once customer's started coming in, it was serious business. Stupid Ronnie decided to have a little "fun" today. He took my phone and was being stupid with Jessica. Gonna make sure I get him back good. Real good.
I got a good talk with Micheal though. Didn't expect him to be so... advising? in regards to relationships. I do what I do cause I love her, she does what she does because she loves me. Sometimes it looks like I'm being held by the balls and it like I'm whipped but I don't care. I love her.

We're almost hitting our two months.
To be honest, ever since I started being friends with her, I've felt that I'd be able to establish a relationship with her, a good one. Kind of cocky of me but I KNEW that there was something special between us and that this could work.

All my life I've always seen myself as a loser (according to her, I still am x]) and that I'd never be capable of getting a girlfriend. Heck my first ex-girlfriend only went out of me out of pity. Ask her if she even liked me... she'd laugh. Babe, ever since I've been with you, you can say I've changed. I've become more confident in myself, more confident about how I look and who I am. I would NEVER smile in pictures before I met you... So when I say you bring a smile to my face, I mean it.

Baby you got my heart beating.

As days pass, I don't feel as if I'm missing her, I feel as if I'm being more and more completed. Sometimes you ask me if there's anything that irritates me about you or something about you that bothers me but honestly... I don't think there's anything about you that bothers me. I love you for who you are and its those little things that make me love you more.
Nobody in this world is perfect, but in my world, you are perfect.
I do truly believe that what I feel for you, is love.
Tell me to jump off a cliff, and I'll do it.

Tell me to stop loving you, and I'd have to disappoint you.

I'll be here for you, I promise.

Today was interesting. There were sad parts, fun parts, and weird parts...
My morning started out kind of in disappear. I guess it's just crazy how everything could be going so well one minute, and in a second, flip 180 degrees.

Work was lame... my whole arm and my abs were sore from lessons from Ronnie. Jessica doesn't like him... neither does she like the fact I'm taking lessons from him at all but its all good. I'm learning to be able to protect myself, protect my family, and protect her. (not that she needs it, as of right now, she can probably beat ME up...)

When she called me... it was the WEIRDEST thing ever. My appreciation level for her just went from a kajillion, to a kajillion times 10.
Then it went from weird... to being just scary... She started crying. I don't know why and I don't know if I'll ever know. But I'll say this. Jessica Le, you're the only person to have gotten me to feel this way... we have our bad and good times but what doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger right? I love you babe... I really do. It's really hard to show to you since I'm only limited to when I can see you and you can't go out at all. But because I love you, I'll make this work, I'll show you that my love for you is true and that I'll always be here for you.

Same morning... oh joy...

I called you last night.
Apparently you didn't pick up... but it's all good. Whether you be talking to a friend on the phone or you just didn't want to pick up, I don't mind it. I'm breaking down on the inside babe. I used to be able to wake up in the morning and anticipate a call from you, or sleep soundly at night, only to be woken up by your sweet, angelic voice.
I need some closure, I need to know if you feel the same way about me. Sometimes you ask me if I'm mad because I don't love you but the real question is, do you love me? I've done all I can to prove how much I love you, if not more.

It scares me, the fact that you don't even sleep at night. You sleep during the day. I hate that more then anything because you're sleeping when I need you the most, and I'm sleeping when you need someone to talk to. But that's your life, I'm just a boyfriend. Not like I have any power over you to change who you are and what you do.

7 Weeks

It's been 7 weeks. The best 7 weeks of my life... normal people count by the months, but you're something else, you're something special; we count by the weeks.

Today you were a bit awkward... you were away since probably 4 AM and you didn't pick up my call. When you called me back... you were acting wierd. You said how you didn't rendezvous anywhere, whether or not I'd ever run away with you if you did something bad, and if I'd ever suspect you.

Babe I love you. I pour my heart and soul out for you and I don't regret anything I've done for you. I trust you with all I got and I have faith that you can be different, that you can change. I'm different from all the other guys, I know that for a fact.

I don't know what's going to happen in 5 years, 10 years, but right now, all I know is that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, take care of you, and be there for you.

Sometimes I think I worry too much, even over the smallest things, so babe, if anything ever bothers you or you have something troublesome on your mind... I'm here for you, always was, always will be.

So I stopped by your house today. I should've called you and asked you to come out, climbed the side fence and climb into your window, or rang the doorbell, hoping that you would come out. I didn't though. I guess it was just a sudden burst of missing you that got me to 2.1 miles out of my way just to get a chance to see you. I knew you were sleeping, I knew your mom wasn't home... I just couldn't wake you up to see me, and that's what killed me inside. Knowing that you were only about 10-20 feet away from me. Physically, not spiritually.

They call her beautiful
Beautiful face, beautiful underneath...
She's unexplainable, nothing describes how she appears to me.

Some Wieght Has Been Lifted.

It's safe to say I've got some things done.
Been working on the restaurant menu lately and I just finished my piano auditions.
Hopefully I did well, my parents offered to pay for the rest of my laptop if I did well and I'm hoping with all my heart and soul I did well.

I'm really really tired of working. I've been at it for about 7 months now and I'm ready to break someone's jaw.

The Thing In This World That Hurts The Most...

Nothing hurts more then the feeling I had last night. Any pain emotionally or physically was nothing compared to last night.
I felt so useless, all I did was sit there... Nothing hurts more then hearing the person you love the most break down. I wanted to do something, I wanted to comfort her, make her laugh, but I just couldn't; at the same time, I wanted to let her cry, let her release all those feelings that she's kept bottled up inside.
I promise you Jessica, I won't ever let anything bad happen to you again. I'll take care of you, and I'll protect you.
When I heard you cry, it was like a sharp stabbing to my heart, but I couldn't tell you to stop... I just couldn't. I don't know how many times you've cried like this at night, or how often you cry like this. But babe, I'm here for you, and I'll give you a happiness that will be worth a thousand times the number of tears you've shed. Believe in me.

I have no idea what to do right now.
You're only a click away, a phone call away.
You asked me not to talk to you, and so I'm going to respect that and give you the space you need. I just want you to know... it hurts to see your sn, to click on it and only look at it. I want to send you a message, but I can't. Understand how hard it is for me, cause baby I'm breaking down.

Baybee's got me worried.

She hasn't been on all day. She hasn't called me at all. I called her to check up on her but she didn't pick up. I hope everything's alright.
At first I thought she was sleeping in, cause I doubt she went to sleep last night, turns out I have no idea where she is or what she's doing. Hopefully her parents took her somewhere all of today and she's alright.

Honey... I love you. I pray for you every night so that you're safe and well.

Happy 6 Weeks

It's 11:34 PM and I KNOW nobody's going to read this. Whatever, better then hitting some random person up and telling them about my life no?

Happy six weeks babe. I'm really proud of you... and of myself. Rarely do you last this long and you're my second girlfriend. Promise me you'll make this last forever.

Boring day today.

Seems as though I'm posting nearly everyday.. I should really cut down, then I'd have more to talk about.

I guess all I ever really want to talk about, is Jessica. If you're not Jessica and you've been reading this whole blog, I must apologize. You've wasted a good 20-30 min or so? Anywho...
I feel as if I'm growing closer and closer to you. I don't miss you as if I want to really see you though. I think about you A LOT. I really love you hun, make it last.

This is good, I can tell.

I'm starting to get REALLY tired of work. I don't wanna do it anymore, but who else is going to help my parents? @-@ Plus it's just getting more money towards my laptop so meh, I hate it but I gotta do it.

My parents know about her. I'm sure of it. They're more and more suspicious when I'm on AIM and even more suspicious when I'm on the phone, even when I'm obviously talking to a guy. I'll break the news to them soon, they deserve to hear it from my mouth.

Don't leave me, ever.

Relief

Now that that's over, I'm glad we're still together. You asked for a break and I gave it to you... but 2 hours without you, before you called, was already painful. I had no idea how I would go for 1 week, 2 weeks, 3 weeks?
Within those 2 hours, I thought about everything. I thought about everything you told me, I thought about everything you've ever written to me, every moment you spent with me, I even thought about the cute innocent way you would look at me.

Babe, don't ever scare me like that again. I want you in my life, for all the good times and all the bad times.
This "break" didn't push us away at all, I believe it pulled us closer. I love you.

Jessica Le - May 29, 2009

"pretty things aren't always beautiful. but it doesn't mean they were trying to be pretty with all their might."

I guess she got me there when she said it... I don't know what else to say. I love her with all my heart but I have to let her go, I have to give her some space. We're not giving up though... she's just need space, and I'm going to respect that.

I promised you, I'll wait for you, and so I will. But if you loved me, why would you leave me for someone who has the potential to hurt you?

It sounds selfish, but if you loved me, why go on a break? I didn't cheat on you, I guess I was always eager to hear your voice, see your face, even just for a glimpse, whether it be on AIM or in person.

This is going to be hard for me, I have no idea when I'll be able to talk to you again and I have no idea if you would even accept me back into your life again. But I pray, and I'm hopeful.
Whenever you say "I love you." I feel as if I've caught Mewtwo with a Great ball. I feel so lucky because someone so special, so unique, so perfect loves me.

If I failed you this time around, give me a chance to be better, and I hope you know I try and I always try to be better for you. I shouldn't be so cocky and selfish, but I really do hope you come back to me... I miss you already and I know I'm bad at showing it to you.
It's going to be a painful break but I'll be strong, because I have faith in you.
I'm here waiting for you babe, I love you.

Really Nice Weather Today

Today's weather was REALLY nice o.o
Wasn't too hot and the breeze was really soothing, if all of summer was like this, that'd be awesome @-@. I've been really tired lately though. I mean.. I sleep at like 12 or 1 and I wake up at about 7 or 8. But throughout the day I feel REALLY tired, like I could just knock out at anytime.

I feel really blessed to have such a great friend... I haven't talked to her for a long time... 7 months or so? Aside from the occasional myspace comments you can say I missed having her company. Even after all of that, she still picks me up off my feet with nothing but honest advice. She's like a sister that I never had. I feel bad that you have a terrible friend like me... You've helped me tremendously but I've done nothing to be there for you. I'm sorry, and I'll do better, you deserve a better friend and I'll do my best, I promise.

And to you, I hope what I'm feeling is true. You've tied this knot around my heart, don't go cutting me down. I can't offer you what other guys have offered you or will ever offer you, but I know I can love you just as much, if not BETTER then any guy you have or will ever meet.
When you say "I love you." I take your word for it and care for you more then ever. When you say "I hate you." I take it as constructive criticism so that I can be better for you, so that I can fix my mistakes and be sure you're always happy.

I Feel Wierd..

You know that feeling when you really want to say something to someone or do something, but you're too afraid? I really miss her right now, and it's hard to explain how I feel about her. I think to myself... I can be better then all the other guys that failed to give her the happiness she deserves, I can give her a good reason and a good meaning to the words, "I love you.", and that I can actually make this work the way I want it.
I have hope and I have faith.
I want to tell her that I'll always be here for her and that I'll be with her forever, but I don't want to make a promise that she's heard hundreds of times over and over, only to be broken.

I don't blog.

Normally I don't blog. I'm not a good writer either. I'm not even trying to fit in with the crowd of people that have started blogging.
I guess I just want to express how I feel and tell people how I feel without actually telling them face to face, weird but meh, I guess we've all been there.

I wish I didn't have to work so hard. It's summer after all, why aren't I enjoying the beach or hanging out with friends... Why am I stuck working? Nobody's to blame I guess and I'm really working towards this laptop. Never have I been so motivated to get anything... it's kind of sad really given the fact that I'm not getting paid (working for parents, which is all good because I'd rather help them keep this family alive financially then stay home anyway) and I come home only to add a couple of more bucks to my savings. In the end it will be worth it, I know it will.

Sometimes you make me want to break all the keys on my piano.
Sometimes you make me want to slash my wrists out of pointless depression.
Sometimes you make me feel worthless and a waste of time.
Which is all overcome by the fact that
You light up my world,
You understand the type of person I am.
You allowed me to break down the walls around my heart that were made to keep these types of feelings out.
You're the one who makes me cry.
You're the one who makes me sad.
You're the one who makes me mad.
You're the one who makes me laugh.
You're the one who makes me strong.
You're the one who gives me hope.
You're the one who makes me, me.